So, at the moment it is 3:24 am in Sunny Southern California, minus the sun due to a late, or early, hour. Can't sleep. And apparently can't form complete sentences. I'm at Kyle's house and I can't stop sneezing, I think due to pet dander and shit, not that I'm really complaining (I never do that) I love all the animals and at one point this would not have bothered me at all, but I have lost my immunity.
Anyway I think I was going to blabber on about insomnia, sleep deprivation, and old Comedy Central TV shows, but I think I have something somewhat legitimate to talk about. I invite you to come with me as I travel along a flowing river of thought and ponder life's most persistent questions, feel free to decline the invitation, I probably would if I were you, but then again, I'm a douche so don't be like me.
Now, some may know I have a twitter, most will not, so I find my reposting of the following non-repitious... even though I'm repeating my own words.... okay I really need to "Stay on target!" here. Before coming to blogger I stopped by my twitter to find that pretty much everyone had stopped using it, so thus I was urged to post something to be slightly more original than everyone else! :)
This is what I wrote: My latest entry is from four months ago and it says, "Not sure what I want" funny how some things don't change
I sat there looking at the screen trying to think of something insightful, witty, charming, or just generally clever, and I noticed small light grey text beneath the text box that said, "Latest: Not sure what I want 4 months ago"
The significance lies in an earlier instance where I was responding to a facebook message and talking about my "college plans" I don't have any, and it's because I don't know what I want.
But then I remembered just before that I was on Myspace! And in a fit of stupidity, mixed emotions, and nostalgia I visited Jessyca's page. I know! I know! I'm weak! The point is, I remember trying to talk myself down from that ledge and thinking, "You didn't really want the relationship in the first place, you just want what you can't have; besides you don't even know WHAT you want...that is, except to get some action from time to time."
I am not a religious man, but I think God is trying to tell me something. Unfortunately, I don't speak Hebrew or All-Powerful-Deity, so as to what He/She is saying, I can only guess.
I'm thinking that I'm in a very mixed state right now and that this is causing me to be uncertain as to the things that I would like. I'm not sure what I want.
I've made friends and enemies in both SL and SD (btw: the fact that both places are two words and the first word starts with "s": coincidence? I think not). There are people who I can't imagine not seeing in both places, as well as people that I'd rather not ever set eyes on again. Arizona is the cheaper choice and it would make my mum happy, being closer to home. San Diego holds my memories and, in my opinion, better schools (though I think I'm factoring in location). And then what happens if I take the easy way out and have Uncle Sam make my decisions for me for the next four years? I don't fucking know.
Do I miss her or the idea of her? Is it even either or do I just think it's normal to miss your ex so I'm trying to do my best at not being relationship-retarded and in the process screwing up even more? I liked having someone there for me, or did I just like the intimacy? Do I even want to try for something else, or is not worth the drama and inevitable hurt?
I think I might have hit one of the many nails on its head. Maybe you know you've found someone right when your willing to risk the hurt for them. When the good outweighs the bad, maybe that's the trick. But until you're hurt you can't really know if the good outweighed the bad. There's a certain amount of blind faith involved. I guess that's love.
I digress. Point is it's now 4:00 and I'm quite sleepy. It was fun blogging again, but now I must leave and enter a world where everything is alright, and then I'll come back to reality and despite having put all this thought into it all, I still won't know what I want. For now, ignorance is bliss.
