My Center

It's where I want to live.

What is it?

I can't tell you, it's not a tangible item, it's an idea, a place of mind.

I can lose it, and with it I lose control. Control of my life, my thoughts, my actions, my everything.

I can find it. I can right my wrongs within myself.

It's my peace of mind, inner calm, my happy place, whatever you like to think of it as.

I don't visualize anything, it takes no physical appearence.

It is nothing more than a feeling, but yet, it IS more. It is a state of being.

My A game. I can do no wrong. My luck, but it's always good.

(Brace yourself) In the 6th Harry Potter, there is a lucky potion, and the feeling Harry gets is described as a feeling of not being able to do wrong. An untouchable feeling.

I can get to this place on my own, or through the help of others. As well, I can leave this place because of others or because of myself.

I wish everyone could have a center. It seems like everyone should, but some are not capable of achieving this on their own. It is a small population, but it exists. It is sad because the very reason they cannot achieve inner peace is the same reason they need it.

This is all very Zen. This does not seem like my high energy, highly annoying usual self, but it is. It is this very thing that makes me a lively person. Strange how being at peace with myself makes me a bit wild on the outside.



p= the various 'parts' of you
n= the number of those parts
The difference is -(n-1)(p) and it's still equal to you

The Mistake I Was

Sometimes I feel like there was a mistake somewhere in my life, that I was really meant to be somewhere else, to be someone else, but instead I wound up here.

Other times I feel like I was someone else's mistake, that because they met me, or because I interfered in someway, no matter how big or how small, I messed up that person's life.

Then I realize that I'm asumming fate is real, which is not how I like to think.

We all make choices, of our own free-will. It's these choices that bring us where we are as we are. And no matter what happens, no matter what anyone chooses, there are no wrong answers, no mistakes.

If we are friends, it is because we chose to be so. If we are enemies, it is because we chose to be so. If I do something to upset you, it is because I chose my path, and you chose to care enough to be upset. And vice-versa.

I choose to offer help, in any way shape or form, to anyone who wants is, who needs it. There are no strings attached to my help, no conditional statements. This is not an offer to one, but to all. This is not because I think you need help, but because I think that somewhere down the line, everyone wants help, and if you want help, you need it.

I choose to make myself better. I have decided that I have not lived to my potential, and I wish to rectify this. I choose to be free. I choose to be happy with what I have and what I lack, because if ever something comes along and adds itself to my 'have's then it's just icing on the cake.

I think I should blog less, because when I fail to do it for many days at a time, I always come back with something to share, instead of just blogging for the sake of shouting into the vastness of the internet and hoping someone hears.

I am standing on a cliff. Below me is a river, rushing voilently. An eagle soars above my head and lets out a cry. A breeze swoops past me, whipping my hair into my face. The sun is setting at my back and my guitar rests on my foot. As I gaze into the heavens to glimpse the first few stars, I see you, all of you, picture perfect in the sky. Where ever I go in this world, you go with me.

I fucking feel accomplished

and the best part is, that won't go away until i find out i did shitty on both of the things i completed.

Fucking Adv. Bio.

Wrote my responser paper, only referenced 2 things, but whatever, I wrote it well, and I think I did good, and that's what counts...oh I guess my grade in Doc's class counts a little too, but who need a future really?

Then, I decided to help a friend out, so what that meant for me is doing another project for Bio. I got my power point done though, and learned quite a bit about an interesting little parasitic disease from Africa, that no one i know will ever contract, but i know what medication to give the person if they do. Completely useless, but completely interesting.

Now, I don't know what to do with myself, yet again. Stew might call later if he goes to see a movie, at least that's what he said on friday... whatever, it doesn't matter (i had to stop myself from writing it don't matter...).

I talked a lot this weekend with a friend of mine from SD, well actually more than one, but Julia is who I am refering to. I barely spoke to her in person in SD, never really hung out, and now I miss the girl because she's been a good friend to me over the internet.

I don't care what you have to say about the internet. I LOVE it.

Anyway.... I hope you all who went to prom had a blast, it sounds like most people did. And I hope everyone has a good rest of the weekend.

As The World Turns

So, I woke up today and went to rehearsal, mostly because I have literally nothing else to do. It went pretty good. Mostly built sets. Unfortunately Willard was doing this scene with Nurse, Juliet, and Lady Capulet, oh and me, as a 'serventman'. It's dumb, I have one line at the very end of the scene, but I have to sit around and do nothing while I wait for my cue. As you can imagine I was going insane with boredom.

Then the cast decided to go visit Josh, which was interesting, mostly because I was one of two people there that could drive, well, Haylee (not sure how she spells it) was able to take one person there, but she had to go to work, and we met Kyle and Tiarra there, so that added two, to the amount of people we had to get into my car. In the end Kyle and Tiarra had to go with Willard in his creeper van and Liz was in my trunk. Yes, she actually rode in my trunk. So then we decide to stop at sonic and get some liquid crack, thereso named because it is seriously delicious and addicting and full of more sugar, really, than anyone should have in a month; by the way, it's a slush with all the flavors they have in one cup. Anyway, feeling bad for Liz in the trunk, I make sure she gets her own, so we get them, I quickly hop outta my car and open the trunk had her the drink, push her back in and drive away. It was probably quite silly to watch. Oh, did I mention the people in my back seat decided to get Liz to yell and pound on my trunk when we pulled up to the window? Yeah, that went over well with the poor Sonic employee.

Also, Liz mentioned that Britni was supposed to straighten my hair, but she hadn't shown up to the last two rehearsals, so she got her mom to bring a straightener thing, and her Tiarra and Sarah made a joint effort and did the deed. It was rather silly to look into the mirror and not fully recognize myself. I kinda think, without my glasses, that I look like Jack Black. by the way, no pics due to my lack of a functioning camera, but Kyle got one with his phone, I dunno if it turned out well.

Anyway, then people started leaving and so I decided I would, and Clint asked me to give him a ride home again, and Kyle asked for a ride to the pool to help decorate. So I did both because it is impossible, really, for me to turn down a request for help.

Now I'm here, bored again. I don't know what to do with myself. If anyone wants to hang out or something, I got nada planned for the rest of the weekend, including the rest of today, no prom for me after all. Anyway, if you don't have my number and you want to hang out, get it from someone, because I'm not posting it here. =p

Have a good weekend all, and if you're going to Prom, have fun, and DON'T HAVE SEX!!!! OR DRINK!!! =p because that is NOT the prom way.

Peace and Love all

Mkay So

I want to go on a road trip. Right now. I want to take off in my POS Ford Taurus and just drive. I want to blast my music from San Diego to the tip of Maine. I want to have been places, seen people, seen this little corner of the world. I want to tear across the desserts, roll through the cities, drive across the plains, and climb the mountains. I want to go to another state, across the nation, on a whim. I want to surf in La Jolla one day Miami Beach the next. I want to be a traveler; no particular direction. I want to keep moving and have people think I'm running from something. Because I don't run from anything. No, I run towards it. I run towards life. Charging into battle on my steel horse and metal charriot. I want to be a nomad; no home of which to speak. My home is where I want it to be, and I want it to be wherever I happen to be. If you see me, you won't know me, no one will, and you won't know if I'll ever come back. I want to bring a small bag of stuff, the barest of bare essentials, and my guitar. I want to discover myself on Lincoln's giant head, and lose myself in the eyes of Niagra. I want to win a fortune in Atlantic City and lose one in Vegas. I want to see Jimi's grave, and touch the wood of red. I want be loved by my brothers and walk in the city of angles.

And through it all, I want you there.

I said I would

So I'm going to blog now =p

Umm... not much to talk about, life has been fairly average lately.

Been going to R & J rehearsal. Picked up three minor parts so far, maybe an fourth if I need to play Abraham or something. It's weird being on stage, and not backstage, like what I'm used to. I'm a comedian at heart so I seem to be liked because I mess around a lot. As many people will inform you I'm weird, and rather goofy, so doing that on stage is usually worth a few laughs. I was glad to see Heather there tonight. And I loved Heather, Kara, and Kyle's part scene, it was awesome.

I came home tonight and my mom told me she bought me some jeans because she noticed all of mine were too big. I was rather shocked to find out that I went from an all-time high of a size 40 waist to a 34. I sound like a girl talking about my size/weight, but whatever, that was really cool to find out.

I'm shivering like a mofo right now, and I don't know why....

Hmm... what else?

Classes are going alright. Though, Adv. Bio is still irking me. I'm glad that we talked Doc into giving us the weekend for that paper, I've been too tired and have had too little time to work on it at all.

I'm looking forward to this next school year, but at the same time I'm not, I don't know, hard to explain, but I guess not because most of you who read this are either in my same boat, are a senior and thus also know how it feels, or have been there in the past, or are close to a senior.

Anyway, that's all I can think of for now, and I need to go to sleep now. I'll post again soon, I suppose. Have good days and good nights, whichever applies at the time of reading.

Holy Crap...

...I'm freaking tired.

Seriously, that's all I have to say...

Okay...Nevermind

So, I guess I'm not going to San Diego after all. It's not like I've been waiting for this for months on end. Nope, I don't care at all. It's fine that one of the coolest things to happen this year is gone to me because of the circumstances.

I can't miss school, there's just too much.

I can't let Willard down, no matter how much I like to gripe about the guy, he's a good guy, and now that I have that small role as Musician #1 aka Simon Catling, I can't let the play down, it means too much to too many.

I need to get a job, but no one wants to hire me, it sucks. I need to be as flexible as possible, just in case, by some off chance, I do get a call and they need me right away. What would I say? "Sorry, I can't start yet, I'm going down to San Diego" while they go and hire someone else.

I want to go sooo bad. I want to go, maybe on my own, or with someone with me, this summer. On my own dime, doing things for myself. That would be great, but I don't think that's realistic either.

I want to do my homework right now, but I can't focus on anything. I'm so mentally drained. I just want to think about nothing really, just talk to a friend, or something.

I want to dream again. I've lost about 7/8ths of my dreams. And I'm a dreamer, it's what I do. When I'm bored I create a world to live in. Envision scenarios with limitless possibilities, opportunities, and outcomes. I can do what I want. I can invite anyone I want into the world. I can live where I want in a big, beautiful home with a slide connecting the kids' rooms to the pool outside, because that's how awesome of a dad I am [not to mention I'd get considerable use out of it :p]. I can have a 6 car garage with two lifts so I can work on cars and motorcycles, and just tinker around. Those are just examples, lately, my dreams are shallow, no depth, no stretch of imagination. Wish for the ordinary, never be disappointed.

I write a lot. I think even more. I think too much. Too many thoughts to keep track. To many feelings to pinpoint.

I need to slow down, take things one step at a time. No more long term, no more planning or dreaming, unless i can differentiate between possibility and likelihood, and the impossible and straight up delusion.

Short term goals...or just one maybe.

Be happy.

Well then

I just watched Australia, with Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman. It was pretty darn good. At least I think I liked it...?

The movie couldn't decide if it wanted to have a happy ending or not, and ended up bein a bit over 2 and a half hours long.

I think I cried like 3 times, but was smiling the rest of the time.... It was a serious emotional rollercoaster. Six Flags worthy.

So, now I'm just sitting here enjoying some strawberries and cream, not really sure what to do, this Easter is so different from what I've experienced from the past 16 others.

Glad to see some people might be coming out of their blogging hibernation. Though, philosophy? Really? That's my thing =p I'm just kidding Ben, that was a sweet insight into human motivation in life and relationships.

I saw Monsters vs. Aliens 3D yesterday. That was a pretty funny movie, not to mention an appearance from Stephen Colbert! He's the friggin' president! I laughed hard. Also, just some sweet references in the movie that your average 9 year old wouldn't pick up on, but made me laugh. Also, that was my first 3D movie since this thing I saw at Seaworld a while back (Sadly i never did see My Bloody Valentine...) but it was pretty cool, and I got to be a little kid and grab at the company logos flying at my face =]

Hmm, methinks that's it. I can smell a ham cooking which means I'm going to go =]

Peace and Love all

Meditaions and Broken Dreams

That would make a good Album name.

Life will invariably through you down and make you feel worthless. You are going to be miserable. You will have your heart broken and your dreams trashed. You will wish you were dead.

You will have lived.

Misery is a part of life. Everyopne deals with it. One is never alone in sadness. And another sad truth: someone is probably worse off. Proof: suicide.

I am not a chicken for not being able to kill myself. I am a glutton for punishment. A mosochist. I love life too much. I love to live, even though living will bring more pain.

Life has somewhat of a balance. You have good times and bad. You have memories that make you smile and ones that make you cry, but both live with you forever. The balance isn't really so though. I highly doubt we have equal parts good and bad. But whatever the mixture of your life is, it's always worth living, in hopes that you will be happy one more time again.

Meaningless rambles.

Because Originality is for Pricks =p

Wildflowers by Tom Petty

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
Sail away, kill off the hours
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, find you a lover
Go away somewhere all bright and new
I have seen no other
Who compares with you

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong in a boat out at sea
You belong with your love on your arm
You belong somewhere you feel free

Run away, go find a lover
Run away, let your heart be your guide
You deserve the deepest of cover
You belong in that home by and by

You belong among the wildflowers
You belong somewhere close to me
Far away from your trouble and worries
You belong somewhere you feel free
You belong somewhere you feel free

What the Hell is This?

I was on project playlist, and I notice some of my songs have broken links. So I go and search for them again, find a replacement you know.

I type in "The Beatles" and I got NOTHING!!!

I try "James Taylor" and NOTHING!!!!!

Next, "Pink Floyd" and i finally got this "symphonic orechastra crap, that was really just a cover for actual Pink Floyd songs. So I guess Pink Floyd is still safe.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK!?!

Why are a bunch of classic artists suddenly banned?

Can someone explain this to me?

Timing

It's a bitch

Blogging

Why do we blog?

Why do I blog?

I blog for no reason, and for every reason.

I blog so when I shout, maybe someone will hear me, and shout back.

I blog because I know everyone who reads, reads for a reason, reads because they care.

I blog because it's a community. One person has a bad day, everyone tries to help them feel better. One person has a good day and everyone feels better knowing that someone they care about is doing well.

I blog because I am here and I want people to know it.

I blog because I love you.

I was. I am. I shall be. I blog.

If you can read this, I do. I love you.

No Title Necassary

My mom got back from the hospital this morning. She seems okay. She's confined to quarters though. I need to look after her this week, right after school, and by look after, I just mean be home in case she needs something.

This weekend hasn't been all that great.

Despite sleeping for 11-13 hours the past couple of nights, I feel drained. Something isn't right...

Oh, Ms. Abel, I'm pretty sure he's in a mental hospital, that was the sense that I got. I can see the argument for him being in heaven, but I didn't see it that way when I read it. I don't know whos side I just took, yours or Tucker's... Anyway, that's just my opinion.

A morning well spent

So, I ead Fight Club in one sitting this morning.

It is a good book. I liked the writing style and I liked the twist.

The story was...interesting to say the least.

I was torn between the brutal truth that everyone is a piece of shit, and how I personally think it's our choices that get us where we are.

I dunno what to think.

It's a good book, and if you haven't read it then go for it, it's an easy read. If you've seen the movie, which I have not (I am sorry if this is one of those "OMG YOU HAVEN"T SEEN _________!?!" moments), then you know the twist, but you should still read the book.

Okay so

Thanks to Kimberly, who was able to reach my dad on her cell. Thanks again by the way.

My mom has been out of surgery since 11:30 this morning. Everything went well, and everything is still okay. My dad says she's doing good and that'll he'll be bringer her home soon.

Thanks to everyone for putting up with the mopping and everything, and thanks for caring, and thanks for being there. I apreciate it all.

Thanks again, I felt the love, and I return it all to everyone.

This is killing me

So, I've been home for a little more than two hours at this point, and i still don't know diddley shit.

My mom has been at the hospital all day, I've been worrried sick all day. You know, in third hour I thought to myself "my mom is probably under the knife right now" and I actually prayed.

I don't believe in God, but my mom does. I just kept thinking, "God, my mom has had faith in you her entire life, return the favor, just this once, for her, not for me, I deserve nothing, but she deserves to be safe, so please just look after her today."

So, two hours home, and still no phone call from my Dad. No news one way or another.

This is killing me.


***** an hour after I wrote this I finally found my mom's cell number, only to realize the phones are out at my house.

Lame

So, things suck.

Kaiyla is moving. Heather is moving. The seniors will be leaving.

My brother is going back to San Diego tomorrow.

My mom has her hysterectomy tomorrow.

Everything seems to be happening rapid fire.

I want it to slow down.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Good night, all.