In Response to Post Secret

I'm secretly broken despite what I said.

What was that whole Christmas thing about?

Seriously, someone forgot to tell me "'tis the season" because I didn't notice.

Anyway, sounds like everyone had a good christmas.

Semi-white with more snow on the way.

I got a good laugh seeing Ozzy mix up with yule tide cheer.

And I really hate the fact that I couldn't find my Holiday Happiness....I must have left it in my other pants; the ones that also must contain everything else I've been missing lately(not the least of which being my mind).

I tried really hard to have fun, but when all my parents do is sit on the couch watching horribly lame christmas "movies" I tend to get a little depressed.

I should be at my grandparents house, enjoying my whole families presence(not presents).

I should have gone to church, laughing on the inside at the fact that I'm still the only one in my family who knows that I'm atheist.

I should have eaten my grandmothers AWESOME cooking, not these fucking left over hot wings.

I should have been happy, like I love to be, and try to be most of the time. I willed myself to be happy, but I couldn't do it.

I should be excited to be going back to SD the beginning of January, but my mom decided to call that off.

I guess I'm being a little lame, not to mention dramatic. There were some highlights.

Like when my brother called and i talk to him. It was about noon where he was and he was already pretty hammered. He kept telling me to "get a piece of ass" and telling me that "women can smell cowards." It was pretty damn funny.

Then i got to read some blogs and everyones cheer and jokes made me a "happy panda" again.

So, now here i sit, a bit more contented, a bit less depressed, but still slightly disappointed. The fact that i had nothing under my tree doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that I had no tree(different kind of tree, think about it).

Alas, there is always next year, and the year after, and after that.

For now I settle for everyone else being happy over myself beaming after a good day.

Alas, poor Yorick!

So, I figured it would be interesting to sit down and just start writing a Death Letter, and it kind of was! And since I don't really plan on dying anytime soon, and it'll likely change over the years, I give it to you now. Don't take this too seriously, or as a suicide note, I'm not that stupid. Plus, didn't I just say I wasn't planning on dying soon?

To Whom It May Concern:

 

So, you’re reading this, well, guess what that means for me. If you guessed that I’m dead, YOU WIN! If you guessed something else, well, I think we both know what that means. Anyway, I’d like to think that if you’re reading this that you care about the fact that I’m dead, though I’m sure some of you would like to simply get your hands on my stuff, or you’re a lawyer. Either way it doesn’t matter. How could you offend a dead guy? For those of you who care: don’t let my untimely, for I’m sure it was untimely (when the hell is a good time to die?), death worry you. I have never feared death, but rather looked at it as a particularly difficult question, one I could not answer. I’m glad the end has come. I’m tired of waiting. And now I finally get to know the answer. My death letter is not filled with confessions, nor apologies or regrets. No, a death letter should not make the writer feel better, but you, the reader. I can’t say I’m in a “better place” I don’t really believe that. The best place was with you, all of you. No, I am leaving the better place, but still this is no reason to mourn or be sad.

 

I think I’d like to share some of my life philosophies with you, maybe through them you will see how I can say all this and not be a dramatic, lying fool.  First, I firmly believe that life is not but choice. You face an innumerable amount of choices and decisions in life, and each one, no matter how small, changes your life in someway. I do not believe in Fate, I’m a Free-Will kind of guy…or was at least, I am dead now aren’t I? I also believe firmly that the purpose of life is simply to live. Live your life, be it to the fullest of merely the amount you feel comfortable with, there is no wrong way. Live life and live it without regrets about what you did or worries about what you might do. And finally, try not to worry about what others think of you, you are your own person. Who cares if they don’t like it, or they find you strange? What matters is what you think about yourself. You want to do it? Do it. You want to say it? Say it. Would you like to base jump off the Empire State Building? Fuck them, go for it!

 

Now I’d like to request certain things of you for my funeral. One, burn and salt me, just in case. Two, if I’m married, please do not allow my wife to observe that ridiculous Indian (as in India) tradition of jumping on the flames, it’s just silly. Three, I would like a Speaker for the Dead; hopefully this letter will give you enough to do it. And finally, if no one objects, could you take the ashes back to San Diego and throw them in the ocean. I know the last one is silly and trivial. I’m dead what do I care happens to the remains? But it would create a nice cycle if I were to end up dead where I was born. Also, if you could get some strippers to co…. no? Okay then, just thought I’d ask.

 

I shall end on a serious note, I would be grateful until the day I die…..poor choice of words, but you get it. Anyway, what I was saying was, if you could Rick Roll my funeral it would be HILARIOUS!

 

Well, that’s it. I guess I won’t miss you (again that whole dead thing…), but know that I could not have asked for a better life.

Yours most sincerely and forever,

Michael D. Hair (aka: Mike, Mikey, Hair, Coco, and the Six String Charmer ;) )

If the perfect person was to be described, could it be done? Do the words necessary to do so even exist? I certainly do not know. Surely the perfect person would be caring, but that word isn’t nearly strong enough. The perfect person must also have a heart of gold, an undying urge to do the utmost good and help everyone they meet. The load the perfect person would bear is unfathomable at best. I know I would crumble before the shear weight of the perfect person’s heart.

 

That is but the start. The perfect person must be funny as well. No, the person could not be funny, rather hilarious, the type of person that can keep you laughing for hours on end, without even trying. That would be more accurate. And with this ability to make people laugh would come the ability to make friends easily. Yes, the perfect person would be friends with anyone and everyone.

 

Really, I have barely scratched the surface of this wonderful person. There is more to a person than just being caring and humorous, luckily the perfect person has it all. One of the most important things about a person is that person’s character, and the perfect person’s character could not have been written any better and need no work. The most reliable person imaginable, the perfect person will always come through for you. Real honesty is hard to come by, but the perfect person even possesses that.

 

Alas, I leave you with a few final, knowledgeable thoughts. Though it is nearly impossible to describe the perfect person, the fact remains that a person such as this exists. I am here to tell you this and you can take me at my word. After all, I have vowed to tell you the truth.

 

Even now this person is on my mind; creeping among my consciousness and weaving through my thoughts. I can see them in this little text of mine. Maybe you do too.

H-A-I-R

So yeah, I've been really bored the past few days, and out of boredom comes stupid stuff, but here the stupidest yet:

Music in my heart

Intelligent from the start

Crazy on guitar

Honesty will get you far

Arrogant yes I know

Experimenting in Show Low

Loyalty is what you get

 

Don’t forget my wit

Always alone in the sun

Vernacular, I have a large one

Idiosyncrasies, I have a few

Don’t touch the fro of the Jew

 

Habit of quoting

Assessment

Indeed

Repose

Poetry

I thought I might try my hand at a little poetry(sorry Kim, I know it's your territory). I thought what is a song but vocal poetry. So here it is, the first poem I've ever written outside of english.

Life: What it is

Hair

 

If life is choice

I choose to live

If life’s a game

I hope I win

If life is more

Then tell me now

If life’s surprise

Don’t let me know

 

If I could have

What I wanted

When I wanted

Then life lost point

If I’m patient

Then I will wait

And what I want

Will come to me

 

Yes, life is choice

I choose to live

Yes, life’s a game

I aim to win

Yes, life is more

Of this I’m sure

Yes, life’s surprise

Just wait and see

Now that I’m thinking about it again, man, I was a nervous wreck. You know, I just kinda walked up to her and asked, “So you really want to know why I’ve been so quiet?” She said, “Yeah, of course.” I said, “I’m really nervous because I want to talk to the girl that I really like, and now I am.”

She made a sound like an “aww” but it was different somehow. Then she hugged me and said that she didn’t know, didn’t know what to say or what to do. I told her she didn’t have to do or say anything; that I just wanted to be honest with her. Then I made a joke to kinda lighten things up and we walked out of the classroom together without a word. We split up in the hall and that was that.

(Sorry if that not how you remember it, I took some creative license)

 

So yeah, I had a pretty damn good day overall. I don’t have to go to school at all tomorrow. I’m proud of myself for having A’s in all my classes for the first time since like second grade. I’m proud of myself for doing what I thought was right despite the fact that I nearly puked from nerves and anxiety. I’m really happy with the friends I’ve surrounded myself with, they’re all cool in their own way, they all make me happy, and they’re all really important to me.

I still love my guitar, I don’t care if that is or sounds weird. My guitar is my release, my best friend, my therapist, my mirror, even my teacher.

Talking with Kara this afternoon about college and the future really got me thinking and, honestly, it scared me. Call me stupid, but for the first time I really realized what the next two years of my life will mean. I’ve been in school for 12 years of my life, that’s ¾’s of my life. I really haven’t known anything else but school. Yeah, college is still school, but it’s not the same, it’s not as frivolous, not as care free. College will literally define my future. Who I will become, and what I will do. But I’m just 16! What the fuck do I know? Call me childish for wanting to cling on to my comfortable world and not wanting to go out and experience new things, but that’s just it, I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. Give it another year and a half and maybe, who knows? Maybe I’ll have it all figured out, where I’m going, what I want to do, but for now, screw that, I just want to be happy. I choose to be happy.

Yeah, You Heard Right, Fuck The World

            I’d like to apologize right now for two things: what I’m about to write and for being such a jerk/dirt-bag/downer today, but here is the story.

 

            So, yesterday was pretty lame. I brought my guitar to school, but I really didn’t want to ride with it on the bus, so I purposely missed the bus, planning to call my mom for a ride, my parents had taken the day off, so I thought it wouldn’t do much harm. Murphy’s Law is a bitch. No matter which phone I called, no one picked up. I had no ride. So for some reason I decide to wander around. I ran into Stewie, thank god. He was kind enough to offer to take me home, even though it was in the completely opposite direction. So I got home, relieved that I was spared the hassle of walking. My parents got home a little while after I did. I told them what had happened and they were perplexed as to why they didn’t hear my mom’s cell ring, but all was apologized for and all was forgiven. For some reason, after I got back to my room, my dad told me my mom thought I was mad at her, I said of course not, he left, but poked his head back into the room and asked if I was mad at anyone. Again I said no. Why did they think I was mad? I had not, to my knowledge, given the slightest indication of anger, and I had not gotten mad in a long time, I simply stopped letting thing get to me. I grew frustrated as I realized my parents don’t really know anymore. And as I looked back, they have not truly known me for sometime now. The only things they know about my life are what I tell them, and I don’t really tell them much. I’ve never told them how I felt about leaving SD, nor have they ever known all of my friends. Hell, I don’t even think they could tell you what classes I’m taking. I had a very sheltered first five years of life, something, I think, that has to do with my mom’s attachment to her final child, but once I got my first bit of independence, I ran off with it. I mean even now, I’m only a month away from complete self-dependence. In a month I can drive myself, to and from school, and to and from a job. Mobility and income; that’s all I require.

 

            Anyway, it angered me how little my parent knew about me. Then 3 different friends annoyed me within a minute of each other. This all combined to make me even angrier, which in turn, frustrated me because I thought I had gotten past petty anger.

 

            So about this time is when I get the message that almost never bids well: “I have some good news and some bad news.”

 

            I was told something that I’ve been told before and something I don’t doubt I’ll be told again. I was told the one opinion based statement that gets to me, and the one time where I actually care about what someone else thinks of me I get emotionally nuked. Anyway, the next series of events happened simultaneously sped up and in slow motion. It is a blurred memory of attempted cheep ups and something that can only be described as bullshit, pure bullshit, concentrated bullshit, or the most bullshit I’ve ever seen. So as a friend works hard to cheer me up, a person I haven’t talked to in awhile messages me. This person was the last person I wanted to talk to. She is inquiring as to my new messenger status message, “Fuck everything in this pitiful, disgraceful, piss poor excuse of a world.” I tell her what happened, because for whatever reason I am incapable of staying mean or holding a grudge. So she then expresses her sorrow for my situation. Then she starts to fucking complain to me, and not just about things in her life, she starts complaining about something I did. I really couldn’t believe it. The pure nerve required to amass that much bullshit is staggering.

 

            So after mentally telling her to go jump of a cliff and burn in hell, I do what I always do, I fucking helped her, was kind to her, and eased her worried mind. God, I kind of wish that I was mean because the fact that I didn’t do what I thought would make me feel better and instead made her feel better really irked me.

 

            As all this was going on, I get another message asking what was wrong, this one I was afraid of. I didn’t what to say.  I mean how I was feeling was a result of what this person said, but I didn’t want them to know and I really didn’t want to drag them down with me. I said the same thing I said to the other messages I got, I didn’t want to talk about it, a thinly veiled attempt to avoid the question, I know, but I could think of what to do, not now at least.

 

            Anyway, I called it a night and when to bed. It was about 10:30. I didn’t get to sleep until about 1.

 

            Then, today I was in a horrible mood and despite several offers to wear the hat, it persisted, then a reminder about the English benchmark ignited a spark of a “fuck this” attitude. Luckily the benchmark was easy; otherwise I would have just bubbled in anything. Reading To Kill a Mockingbird didn’t help because I read the part where (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!! LOOK AWAY!!!!!) Tom dies, and that made me twice as made at the injustice of the world and the stupidity of people.

 

            Then I still didn’t know what to tell them, no matter how many times they asked, I said “nothing” or “I don’t want to talk about it”. I don’t know... I was still really sad and not really thinking straight. Playing guitar with Theo made me a little happier and by the time lunch was over I was in a decent mood, I guess all I needed was some release in the form of awesome guitar playing and sound effects.

 

            All was well, that is until I went to the Councilor’s Office and got my schedule changed because they were taking to long to call me in. So to get Calculus I had to drop guitar, thanks a fucking lot state of Arizona with your stupid fucking program thing that I don’t even remember the name of but re-pissed me off for the tenth time in the past 24 hours.

 

            So then while I was walking home and recovering from the hell that is my bus, I realized what a giant douche I had been all day and felt guilty for behaving like I did. So I wanted to write something to tell you ALL that I value your friendships and kindness more than anything, and I never want to bring anyone’s mood down, and that I’m just plain sorry.

 

And for those sorry few of you that are playing the game and have not realized how lame it is, yeah, you just lost.

The Last of the W.I.P.'s

Ok so the next few songs I post are extreme works in progress, I mean that most of them don’t even have an ending yet. The only reason I’m posting them is to get some sort of input/help with them. So here they are, bunched together for your reading convenience:

 

Dreaming About You

Hair

 

And now I’m dreaming about you

While I’m lying in bed

And now I’m dreaming about you

And what I could’ve said

And now I’m dreaming about you

In the middle of class

While I’m dreaming about you

I just hope it will last

 

You once asked me if I’d ditch my friends

To go and hang with you

Well here’s the whole damn truth

I’d go to Hades and back for you

I’d do anything just to see you

Or maybe hear your laugh

I’d go anywhere to be with you

The most wonderful girl in the world

 

Yeah….that’s all I got on this one, and I was told there was a very similar song in existence, so that sucks, especially with no way to record myself on video. INPUT PLEASE!!!!!!!!!

 

(untitled)

Hair

 

When I was just sixteen

I had a crush on you

The next thing I remember

I was crying over you

 

You said you didn’t like me

That we’d only just be friends

Well I was quite reluctant

To let that be the end

 

So I wrote down this song

You said you really liked it

I said it was about you

And you became really quiet

 

Now that was the beginning

And we haven’t met our end

We just spend our whole days grinning

To hell with “just be friends”

 

Yeah, again that’s all I got for now, and I can’t tell you how long I’ve spent in front of these things writing and rewriting and never quite satisfied. So really, screw gratitude and compliments, the best gift you could give me is criticism!

 

(untitled….again)

Hair

 

You mean the world to me

And I want you to understand

So I’ve put into words

The promises I vow never to break

And I’ll do whatever it takes

To be a constant source of light

In a seemingly endless night

 

When there are bumps in your road

Then onto me you can hold

When there’s too much drama in your life

And your world if full of strife

And you want some place to hide

I’ll be there to take you by my side

To a place know only to us

 

And if it rains on your parade

You’re just so sick and tired of this charade

Then I’ll hand you an umbrella

Treat you like Cinderella

‘Cause I can’t stand to see you

 

Sad or mad or maybe

Just sick of it and crazy

Everything’s gone a little hazy

But I’ll always be there baby

to give you a blue daisey

And brighten up your day

I don’t care what anyone else might say

 

So there it is my promise to you

A promise I’ve made to none but a few

These vows I’ve never broken

We shall keep them as a token

Of the time we shared together

And that I will always remember

 

Ok, so, I personally don’t like the Cinderella line all that much, but WTF else rhymes with umbrella???? Same drill, only this time take the time and do it!

 

Yeah, I know, I sound like I freaking broken record; always singing about love and what not, and always asking for you help with my lame songs, but you’re in luck, that’s the last of them.