Alas, poor Yorick!

So, I figured it would be interesting to sit down and just start writing a Death Letter, and it kind of was! And since I don't really plan on dying anytime soon, and it'll likely change over the years, I give it to you now. Don't take this too seriously, or as a suicide note, I'm not that stupid. Plus, didn't I just say I wasn't planning on dying soon?

To Whom It May Concern:

 

So, you’re reading this, well, guess what that means for me. If you guessed that I’m dead, YOU WIN! If you guessed something else, well, I think we both know what that means. Anyway, I’d like to think that if you’re reading this that you care about the fact that I’m dead, though I’m sure some of you would like to simply get your hands on my stuff, or you’re a lawyer. Either way it doesn’t matter. How could you offend a dead guy? For those of you who care: don’t let my untimely, for I’m sure it was untimely (when the hell is a good time to die?), death worry you. I have never feared death, but rather looked at it as a particularly difficult question, one I could not answer. I’m glad the end has come. I’m tired of waiting. And now I finally get to know the answer. My death letter is not filled with confessions, nor apologies or regrets. No, a death letter should not make the writer feel better, but you, the reader. I can’t say I’m in a “better place” I don’t really believe that. The best place was with you, all of you. No, I am leaving the better place, but still this is no reason to mourn or be sad.

 

I think I’d like to share some of my life philosophies with you, maybe through them you will see how I can say all this and not be a dramatic, lying fool.  First, I firmly believe that life is not but choice. You face an innumerable amount of choices and decisions in life, and each one, no matter how small, changes your life in someway. I do not believe in Fate, I’m a Free-Will kind of guy…or was at least, I am dead now aren’t I? I also believe firmly that the purpose of life is simply to live. Live your life, be it to the fullest of merely the amount you feel comfortable with, there is no wrong way. Live life and live it without regrets about what you did or worries about what you might do. And finally, try not to worry about what others think of you, you are your own person. Who cares if they don’t like it, or they find you strange? What matters is what you think about yourself. You want to do it? Do it. You want to say it? Say it. Would you like to base jump off the Empire State Building? Fuck them, go for it!

 

Now I’d like to request certain things of you for my funeral. One, burn and salt me, just in case. Two, if I’m married, please do not allow my wife to observe that ridiculous Indian (as in India) tradition of jumping on the flames, it’s just silly. Three, I would like a Speaker for the Dead; hopefully this letter will give you enough to do it. And finally, if no one objects, could you take the ashes back to San Diego and throw them in the ocean. I know the last one is silly and trivial. I’m dead what do I care happens to the remains? But it would create a nice cycle if I were to end up dead where I was born. Also, if you could get some strippers to co…. no? Okay then, just thought I’d ask.

 

I shall end on a serious note, I would be grateful until the day I die…..poor choice of words, but you get it. Anyway, what I was saying was, if you could Rick Roll my funeral it would be HILARIOUS!

 

Well, that’s it. I guess I won’t miss you (again that whole dead thing…), but know that I could not have asked for a better life.

Yours most sincerely and forever,

Michael D. Hair (aka: Mike, Mikey, Hair, Coco, and the Six String Charmer ;) )