Okay...Nevermind

So, I guess I'm not going to San Diego after all. It's not like I've been waiting for this for months on end. Nope, I don't care at all. It's fine that one of the coolest things to happen this year is gone to me because of the circumstances.

I can't miss school, there's just too much.

I can't let Willard down, no matter how much I like to gripe about the guy, he's a good guy, and now that I have that small role as Musician #1 aka Simon Catling, I can't let the play down, it means too much to too many.

I need to get a job, but no one wants to hire me, it sucks. I need to be as flexible as possible, just in case, by some off chance, I do get a call and they need me right away. What would I say? "Sorry, I can't start yet, I'm going down to San Diego" while they go and hire someone else.

I want to go sooo bad. I want to go, maybe on my own, or with someone with me, this summer. On my own dime, doing things for myself. That would be great, but I don't think that's realistic either.

I want to do my homework right now, but I can't focus on anything. I'm so mentally drained. I just want to think about nothing really, just talk to a friend, or something.

I want to dream again. I've lost about 7/8ths of my dreams. And I'm a dreamer, it's what I do. When I'm bored I create a world to live in. Envision scenarios with limitless possibilities, opportunities, and outcomes. I can do what I want. I can invite anyone I want into the world. I can live where I want in a big, beautiful home with a slide connecting the kids' rooms to the pool outside, because that's how awesome of a dad I am [not to mention I'd get considerable use out of it :p]. I can have a 6 car garage with two lifts so I can work on cars and motorcycles, and just tinker around. Those are just examples, lately, my dreams are shallow, no depth, no stretch of imagination. Wish for the ordinary, never be disappointed.

I write a lot. I think even more. I think too much. Too many thoughts to keep track. To many feelings to pinpoint.

I need to slow down, take things one step at a time. No more long term, no more planning or dreaming, unless i can differentiate between possibility and likelihood, and the impossible and straight up delusion.

Short term goals...or just one maybe.

Be happy.