Yeah, You Heard Right, Fuck The World

            I’d like to apologize right now for two things: what I’m about to write and for being such a jerk/dirt-bag/downer today, but here is the story.

 

            So, yesterday was pretty lame. I brought my guitar to school, but I really didn’t want to ride with it on the bus, so I purposely missed the bus, planning to call my mom for a ride, my parents had taken the day off, so I thought it wouldn’t do much harm. Murphy’s Law is a bitch. No matter which phone I called, no one picked up. I had no ride. So for some reason I decide to wander around. I ran into Stewie, thank god. He was kind enough to offer to take me home, even though it was in the completely opposite direction. So I got home, relieved that I was spared the hassle of walking. My parents got home a little while after I did. I told them what had happened and they were perplexed as to why they didn’t hear my mom’s cell ring, but all was apologized for and all was forgiven. For some reason, after I got back to my room, my dad told me my mom thought I was mad at her, I said of course not, he left, but poked his head back into the room and asked if I was mad at anyone. Again I said no. Why did they think I was mad? I had not, to my knowledge, given the slightest indication of anger, and I had not gotten mad in a long time, I simply stopped letting thing get to me. I grew frustrated as I realized my parents don’t really know anymore. And as I looked back, they have not truly known me for sometime now. The only things they know about my life are what I tell them, and I don’t really tell them much. I’ve never told them how I felt about leaving SD, nor have they ever known all of my friends. Hell, I don’t even think they could tell you what classes I’m taking. I had a very sheltered first five years of life, something, I think, that has to do with my mom’s attachment to her final child, but once I got my first bit of independence, I ran off with it. I mean even now, I’m only a month away from complete self-dependence. In a month I can drive myself, to and from school, and to and from a job. Mobility and income; that’s all I require.

 

            Anyway, it angered me how little my parent knew about me. Then 3 different friends annoyed me within a minute of each other. This all combined to make me even angrier, which in turn, frustrated me because I thought I had gotten past petty anger.

 

            So about this time is when I get the message that almost never bids well: “I have some good news and some bad news.”

 

            I was told something that I’ve been told before and something I don’t doubt I’ll be told again. I was told the one opinion based statement that gets to me, and the one time where I actually care about what someone else thinks of me I get emotionally nuked. Anyway, the next series of events happened simultaneously sped up and in slow motion. It is a blurred memory of attempted cheep ups and something that can only be described as bullshit, pure bullshit, concentrated bullshit, or the most bullshit I’ve ever seen. So as a friend works hard to cheer me up, a person I haven’t talked to in awhile messages me. This person was the last person I wanted to talk to. She is inquiring as to my new messenger status message, “Fuck everything in this pitiful, disgraceful, piss poor excuse of a world.” I tell her what happened, because for whatever reason I am incapable of staying mean or holding a grudge. So she then expresses her sorrow for my situation. Then she starts to fucking complain to me, and not just about things in her life, she starts complaining about something I did. I really couldn’t believe it. The pure nerve required to amass that much bullshit is staggering.

 

            So after mentally telling her to go jump of a cliff and burn in hell, I do what I always do, I fucking helped her, was kind to her, and eased her worried mind. God, I kind of wish that I was mean because the fact that I didn’t do what I thought would make me feel better and instead made her feel better really irked me.

 

            As all this was going on, I get another message asking what was wrong, this one I was afraid of. I didn’t what to say.  I mean how I was feeling was a result of what this person said, but I didn’t want them to know and I really didn’t want to drag them down with me. I said the same thing I said to the other messages I got, I didn’t want to talk about it, a thinly veiled attempt to avoid the question, I know, but I could think of what to do, not now at least.

 

            Anyway, I called it a night and when to bed. It was about 10:30. I didn’t get to sleep until about 1.

 

            Then, today I was in a horrible mood and despite several offers to wear the hat, it persisted, then a reminder about the English benchmark ignited a spark of a “fuck this” attitude. Luckily the benchmark was easy; otherwise I would have just bubbled in anything. Reading To Kill a Mockingbird didn’t help because I read the part where (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!! LOOK AWAY!!!!!) Tom dies, and that made me twice as made at the injustice of the world and the stupidity of people.

 

            Then I still didn’t know what to tell them, no matter how many times they asked, I said “nothing” or “I don’t want to talk about it”. I don’t know... I was still really sad and not really thinking straight. Playing guitar with Theo made me a little happier and by the time lunch was over I was in a decent mood, I guess all I needed was some release in the form of awesome guitar playing and sound effects.

 

            All was well, that is until I went to the Councilor’s Office and got my schedule changed because they were taking to long to call me in. So to get Calculus I had to drop guitar, thanks a fucking lot state of Arizona with your stupid fucking program thing that I don’t even remember the name of but re-pissed me off for the tenth time in the past 24 hours.

 

            So then while I was walking home and recovering from the hell that is my bus, I realized what a giant douche I had been all day and felt guilty for behaving like I did. So I wanted to write something to tell you ALL that I value your friendships and kindness more than anything, and I never want to bring anyone’s mood down, and that I’m just plain sorry.

 

And for those sorry few of you that are playing the game and have not realized how lame it is, yeah, you just lost.